The Iberian Experience

June 21, 2010

The Side Effects

Filed under: Uncategorized — iberianexperience @ 3:34 pm

 I’m sure this will come as no shock to you, but I have to confess that recently I have been spending a lot of time mulling over the concept of loss.  It’s convoluted, for sure, and one that is undoubtedly a complex spectrum spanning every emotional facet one faces from the losing of a favorite sweater to loss through death, and absolutely EVERYTHING in between. If you feel up to a depressing mental challenge I highly recommend you spend a few hours ruminating over the concept of loss yourself. Side effects include but are not limited to: tears, vocational un-productivity, physical illness, the purchasing of melancholy music, difficulty concentrating, and a HUGE lack of motivation.  

Here’s my personal experience.  Work Thursday was impossible. Each hour was torturous. I had plenty of work to do and was even backed up quite a bit from having spent the past two weeks training a new staff member. The day was gorgeous but I found myself wishing for something a bit cooler, gloomier.  I somehow, unconsciously, wanted the weather to match my ominous mood. I felt bitter in response to its seemingly blatant, rebellious un-cooperation. I didn’t even get a single empathetic cloud.  

There were several times throughout the day I was on the verge of tears, and a high percentage of those times actually resulted in tears. There was a perpetual lump in my throat. I took a long lunch. That didn’t help. At 3:00 PM I made myself a huge cup of hot chai hoping for some form of liquid comfort. That just made me nauseous. Pandora, that has always provided suspiciously accurate music, was so far off I turned it off, and was tempted to erase it from my list of website favorites.

Then, I thought I came to a breakthrough. Perhaps loss is hard because it is inevitably linked to change. Nothing can perpetuate change like loss. It necessitates change, regardless if you are ready for it or not. Then I came full circle. It has to be more than change. Sure change can be hard, but I cannot allow myself to write off my pain as my personal inability to cope with change.

To do so would be to discredit what existed before the loss. If the only difficult aspect of this situation was change, than the only good aspect of the situation was consistency. I know we are creatures of habit, but I believe there are many a sweater enjoying, relationship having; horse owning people who would argue that there was more, so much more, to the good situation than just consistency. 

For the duration of the weekend I stayed away from the barn. Under normal circumstances, I would have spent several hours each day with the filly, but I just could not bring myself to do so. I thought about it several times and even found myself sitting at a two-way stop once, about a quarter-mile away from her.  Subsequently, I turned the car around and returned home.

My avoidance was not because I had come to feel detached from her in any way, quite the opposite in fact. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that if in fact she wouldn’t be mine for much longer; my heart couldn’t bear to see her. The torturous game of seeing what wasn’t mine was too painful, so I stayed away.

No new updates so far…I’ll tell you when there are.


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